UUU: "What He Really Wants"

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Cast: Seed (Deme) and Sally (Nerf)

TLDR:

Support Points Earned: 2

LadyDeme:

Seed stared at the slowly drifting horizon. The ship taking them to the Dragon's Domain seemed so small, when he was left to it on his thoughts. He should have given her an answer. He mostly knew his answer. Mostly. Ish. At the center of the tangle of feelings... It might not have had a center, but part of it, surely, was that Marcia would never love him again, if she ever had. He was not truly so delusional as to pretend she would, even if he explained all he'd done in hope -- in dread -- of seeing her again, of protecting her. Oh, he dreamt about it. 'You're right, Seed, I was a fool to value another over you!' and he didn't know whether to respect or hate himself for that dream. But it was only a dream. Marcia wouldn't ever love him, and that was more meaningless than it ought to be. Would she be mad at him, or think it indefensibly silly, if she told him that? And thinking that, he couldn't. And round and round and round he went, while the sea gulls cried their brassy Yaaa, yaaa, and the sea thundered. Seed buried his head in his hands.

Nerf:

From Sally's perspective, Seed was definitely quite a lot bigger than he was feeling, in the most literal sense of the word. Even with his head buried between his hands, the Florkana easily towered over her, his presence being one that was hard not to notice at the edge of the ship. Of course, that did not mean such presence was also an imposing one. The poet had never been one to appear intimidating, at least as far as Sally was concerned, but such contrast with his bodily proportions was even more evident now: if she had to explain it to someone she'd been unable to, but there was certainly something different about Seed this time. It seemed to her as if he was carrying the entire weight of the world over his shoulders. "Are you feeling alright? Did you get seasick perhaps?" It was a pointless question, and she knew it. But she had already gotten too close not to say anything, and asking directly about Seed's problems seemed like a questionable decision. Even if the alternative was asking questions whose answers she already knew.
August 7, 2018

LadyDeme:

Seed's head snapped up quickly, his public smile sliding back onto his face automatically -- everyone who'd seen him knew it, a smile without pull of a great happiness, too practiced for it to be tense as if it were fake; it was perhaps a little wistful. Then his eyes focused away from the horizon, or his hands, and saw Sally. His expression slacked back to a shadow of woe. After all, Sally was a reasonable person, who would understand things about his current predicament. "Ah, no...My stomach rarely gets upset by anything; it does very little but contain tea snacks and tea, that sort of thing..." He shook his head. He considered his choice of words for a moment -- calling it love was his choice, not hers, and he ought to respect that. Even if his choice was run through his heart, essential to him. The hands that had held his face knotted, fidgeting in front of him. "No, you see... A friend of mine has confessed romantic feelings for me... And while, at first, I thought I was unsure my response -- now, I am only...Oh, I don't know." He shrugged, shook his head. His leaves didn't like the pressure of his thoughts the last few days -- his flowers seemed mostly wilted away, and the color of his leaves and hair, two things blended together in a way that baffled some observers (now, having bidden Marcia to his thoughts, he remembered her lying in his lap, reaching up, hair, hair, split end with part of it rather leafy, leaf as she ran her hand over a strand to its conclusion, and it pulled a complicated expression to his face now), was a duller, more celadon green. "I don't want to tell it to her, and I don't like that, because I ought, and know it's correct."
August 8, 2018

Nerf:

"Oh." Sally stopped getting closer, not needing to feign her surprise. Romantic approaches were not exactly something uncommon in this sort of groups, sure, the long time spent together, constant closeness to death and large distances from home all contributing in helping love bloom; but she'd have been lying if she said she had seen it coming. After all, she'd always seen him as someone too meek to be the type of your usual mercenary, the kind of person for which poems and tea would be little more than nonsense and hot water, if her own experiences with those that made of war their living were to be trusted. But along that surprise, there was also relief, albeit she'd have never said so out loud. From the expression on Seed's face, Sally had expected to hear some terrible news, but his current predicament was one that at least from her point of view could be solved with relative ease, even if the solution was one neither of the involved parties might have liked. Love is often like that, the most cynical side of her thought. Of course, that did not mean she intended to take the Florkana's problems lightly. Regardless of what she thought about his woes, the poet had trusted her with them, so being supportive was the least she could do. And damn if she didn't know how to play a role. "Why don't you want to tell her?", she inquired in her less judgemental voice. "Are you afraid it'll hurt her feelings, or is it something else?"
August 11, 2018

LadyDeme:

"Something else," he said, shaking his head. He knew it likely seemed like an insignificant problem, but...It gnawed at him, anyway. There wasn't much that was more important than an affair of the heart, or for him, much rarer. He shrugged and put his arms onto the ship's railing, mulling it over the way the sea tossed around bits of jetsam. "I don't want to tell her no, as I think I ought, because I think I'd be a fool not to tell her yes. And I can't say I'm proud of either part of that." He paused and considered it. Was he afraid of hurting Nyra's feelings? Well, yes. But that wasn't the source of his uncertainty. That part was simple, even if he didn't know how he'd bear it, or what he could do to lighten it. He glanced back at Sally every so often as he spoke, sure that she probably thought it was very silly -- and keeping that inside himself, because, frankly, no one wanted to hear him when he decided he was being silly. He knew that. "No, I know it'll hurt her feelings. She wants someone to accept her...I can only surmise I make her feel...safe, perhaps? which is rather a goal I have in talking to people. She wants kindness; the road's a lonely place when you're forced onto it...I don't want to destroy something like that for her, but... Marcia. This person doesn't know about her -- about how I still feel, even though there's no future in that feeling. I still treasure it." He explained.
August 13, 2018

Nerf:

Sally nodded in silence, now starting to get a more complete picture of the problem. It was hard not to, after all, now that the Florkana had explained it in such an explicit manner. Taking a brief moment to consider her response, the criminal turned towards the sea as she thinked. And, as she thinked, she began to realize Seed was not asking for her advice. No, it was evident that in his heart the poet already knew what was what he needed to do, so it would have been pointless to tell him that. What Seed was hoping to get from that conversation, at least if her intuitions were right (and they usually were), was a push in the right direction, something that would free him from his indecision and convince him to do what he already had decided was right, even if he hadn't realized yet. Perhaps it was because of this intuition, that her words sounded harsher than how she truly felt about it all: "So, you don't want to tell her yes because it would be dishonest with your own feelings...and you don't want to tell her no because you are afraid you'll end up with nothing if you do. Is that correct?" Still not taking her gaze away from the sea, Sally shook her head energically, though her tone sounded more disappointed than angry.

Nerf:

"You know Seed, I consider myself an excellent liar. An exceptional one, even, if I'm allowed to say so. But even I know better than lying to myself. Why does your mind refuse to accept what your heart already knows? Even if there's no hope in your feelings, even if she is probably not worthy of them, what point is there in fighting against it? You've already left so many things behind in name of those feelings, so why are you hesitating now?" This time looking straight at the Florkana's eyes, Sally gave him an honest, almost piercing stare. "I hope there comes the day when you can leave those feelings behind you, I truly do. But it's clear as water that that day is not today. If you were to give up on her now, what would you find in that decision if not regret?"
August 15, 2018

LadyDeme:

She was right about what he wanted -- wrong, too, but a little right. Being able to thrash it out aloud, to take this formless thing that gnawed him up inside and shape it into something he recognized. Words had power. Whole years of his life drifted through his heart in a nameless haze; when he was at his bleakest, every sentence felt forced through a sieve. Sometimes, he was not sure if that was not just his nature, some silent thing, a tree in the woods that made no sound. Now, he listened, and tried -- under the pressure of having an audience -- to explain it. His hands gripped the rail of the ship very tightly, like he could be thrown over -- perhaps he could, but not by the waves, which were placid around the ship's trailing wake. His lips parted. He tried to say something, and couldn't. It sounded too desperate in him. His throat hurt -- not a reasonable ache, but nonetheless, like his mind was choking him. He wished, not for the first time, that there was someone out there who could say to him all he wanted to say, to pluck it out from him when he needed them to know it. That person did not exist. That person could never exist. He rubbed his throat for a little bit, eyes teary, taking longer than he should to collect his breath. "...Because I'm afraid," he eventually answered. Not, he would have liked to clarify, about Marcia -- he was afraid for Marcia. "Right there, so very close, is someone... Someone who... could love me." He admitted it hoarsely, quickly wiping away tears with papery palms -- papery, save that they did not get wet in the way of paper, but in the way of birch or another fine bark, leaving his hands slick.

LadyDeme:

"And I... I know I'm not..." That hurt too much. He tried another tactic. "I try very hard, to be someone of value to people. Someone people can enjoy being around, could... Could maybe even love. I don't always do a great job -- I'm troublesome and moody, I know. But... It's such a -- a rare! And precious... thing. And it worked. It would have worked." He shrugged, now, aware he was not making any sense; he was trapped, and he knew it. "...I don't want to lose that, even though...I think I should, or everything I believe in, all the love I gave Marcia and still carry, even when it hurts, would be a lie. If I put it like that, though... I'd probably just be abusing her feelings, anyway; it's not exactly that hollow, really, but...Well, I'm being very silly about this, aren't I? Thank you for listening."
August 16, 2018

Nerf:

"Seed..." She took a long pause before speaking, as if hoping the silence would help the Florkana dry his tears and catch his breath, even if it was only a little. "All the people I've loved during my life have been flawed. Deeply so. And...I know I shouldn’t be bringing up my own experiences when you are talking about yours, and I'm not even speaking about romantic love here, but...” Sally had to resist the urge to let out a chuckle, as she thought about how ridiculous it was for her of all people to be giving romantic advice to someone, “…I don't think you are being fair with yourself. Loving someone also means accepting their flaws. You shouldn’t feel the need to change yourself to be accepted.” Discreetly turning around to look behind her, having suddenly remembered they were not the only people in the ship, the criminal confirmed their conversation was not being overheard by anyone, more out of habit than necessity. “I’m sorry”, she apologized as she wondered if Seed would ever tell her if she was overstepping her bounds with her advice. “I’m making it sound simpler than it truly is. I know it’s not that easy.”
August 18, 2018

LadyDeme:

Seed listened with a pained smile -- a rueful smile, the sort of smile that suggested he had moved from crying about this to simply biting down on it, listening to well-meaning advice he would have given someone else. Someone for whom it was true. It felt like she'd slipped a knife into him and twisted it. Being loved for himself was as far away as the moon. And for a moment, he struggled between an honest answer, and trying to -- what, exactly? Play along? To not be rude? That wasn't it. He smiled a bit more, his eyes still their own green-gold sea, brimming with tears. Because that knife came with its own sort of warmth, its own feeling of being suspended in water, surrounded and peaceful and still. He did not believe it, could not believe it -- but perhaps it was true. Or maybe he just wanted it to be true, even more than he wanted that affection he was afraid to lose. Maybe it was a relief to hear someone think that was true about him. He leaned against the ship's railing, putting himself a bit more on her level, and relaxed as he tried to sort out that 'maybe,' to hold it up to himself. He'd gotten enough air to talk if he wanted to, and so had caught his breath. "...I don't know what to say to that," he answered, earnestly, shaking his head. "Thank you. Even if I can't believe that -- not about other people, mind you," he added, his tone more sociable, his hand waving animatedly in a way that contrasted sharply with his teary eyes, "I think I'd say this exact thing to someone else, and I'd think it's because -- because they're better than me..." He shook his head.

LadyDeme:

"...But I want it, anyway. I want it more than sun or rain or lazy mornings swaddled in fog," he rattled off, the part of him that was always taking a note taking a note, because what good was pained longing if there wasn't something in it worth capturing? Besides, he'd feel better. And worse, he supposed. And then he understood something in that future he could still imagine, if it all worked, if he didn't say no. He understood a melancholy he felt, why he did not want what he wanted. He scrubbed at his face intently, and let out a deeply-moved sigh from that knot and that knothole in his chest. "I think I do feel a bit better...About my answer, I mean. I'll be fine later, about the rest of it. I always am; I have to write a poem for it, after all," he adds, with a bit of humor. "Or perhaps work it into my next novel; I think this would speak to my heroine's character."
August 19, 2018

Nerf:

Sally met Seed's smile with one of her own, but it was a slightly uncomfortable gesture, different from her usual, practiced one. It appeared that despite her best efforts her words had failed to convince the Florkana, and that failure stung on her more than she liked to admit. She couldn't help it. It was not often she spoke with such honesty to someone else; and even less often that she found herself at a loss for words, feeling that anything she could have said would have been pointless. And yet, there was nothing to be done about it. It was clear that the wounds that plagued the poet's heart were far too great for her words to overcome, no matter how much that fact hurt her pride. But still, it had not been in vain. Beyond Seed's teary-eyed smile, there was something else, faint as a candle in the middle of a storm. Was it gratitude? Relief? Or something else entirely? She couldn't tell. But it was there. And maybe, just maybe, that was enough. A small victory, if it could even be called that, but she took it anyways. Sometimes that was all you could get. "I'm glad to be of help", she replied honestly once she had regained her composture. "...even if I don't think I did much. You had the answer in yourself from the beginning, after all." Taking Seed's words as a cue that signaled it was time to move away from the current topic, her mind remained fixed in a small detail nonetheless, as she briefly pondered if it was proper to inquire about it. "Um, if you don't mind me asking, who is this person we have been talking about the whole time? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but I would be lying if I said it hasn't grabbed my interest, even if only a little", she said as she broke eye contact, as if she was ashamed of her own curiosity.

LadyDeme:

"I'm not sure if I did. I think I had...Oh, I don't know. All the parts of it," He answered, thoughtfully. He knew he could -- and maybe should have -- handled that better... But part of him just felt so sore and spent that all he could do was acknowledge in his heart the honest effort she had put in, and couldn't do or say much about that now. "Or... Perhaps it would be better to say that I knew what my answer was... But that I didn't really have all my feelings about my answer sorted through; I couldn't sort out what I wanted and why I wanted it alone, because it all ran at cross-purposes... It rather feels like you pulled at a knot for me...And... I really do appreciate the sentiment, about me." He turned away from the sea properly to face her, giving her a small bow -- he wasn't sure what else to do. He didn't get the impression that Sally was a hugger, and it would be likely odd to reach out and pat her on the shoulder, in the circumstance. So this would have to do for now, but meant gratefully. As for her question, he mulled this over for a bit, whether or not to say, his breath still occasionally hitching as he gathered it, as lingering pains across him settled into quiet, exhausted aches. He wasn't sure if he should say; it felt like a private matter, but then, it was as much his private matter as it was hers, and Seed had already shared quite a lot of it. Eventually, he decided to be honest. "I think the person we have been talking about, really, is myself. But that's not what you mean, I know...I'll ask you to be discrete about the matter, since I don't know if she'd want anyone to know... But it's Nyrandisa who confessed to me."

Nerf:

"Oh you don't have to..." Sally cut herself mid sentence, deciding it was for the best to simply accept Seed's gratitude. "I mean, thank you", she rectified as she returned the gesture with a subtle inclination of her head. "It really was nothing." As the Florkana mulled over her own question, Sally waited patiently for a response, trying to guess the answer by herself as she did so. She already knew it was a woman, and there were a couple candidates she felt that could be safely discarded due to their ages or due to mismatching personalities, but that still left a lot of options open. However, that was as far as that reasoning was going to get, for Seed had spoken an answer before she could reach a conclusion. "Nyrandisa?" Sally quickly tried to piece together what little she knew about the Jera. "I can't say I've had the chance of interacting much with her", she finally admitted. "But you don't have to worry. I know how to keep a secret or two. I won't be telling anyone." Knowing very well she was pressing on an uncomfortable topic, she still felt obligued to follow up with another question, if only to make sure the recent conversation had not been in vain. "So, when do you plan to tell her?" She inquired as tactfully as she could.
August 22, 2018

LadyDeme:

"She's a very lovely person... And I treasure her friendship," he said, a little ruefully. If things were different... Well, who could say what would have happened, then or in the future, when things might still be different. He straightened himself out, even the leaves of his crown adjusting about his head, rising a little off of his face and ears. "As soon as I am able... I think it'd be a little unfair of me to do otherwise." He'd had his time to prepare, and so prepare he had -- he knew what he wanted to say, and what's more, he wanted to say it. And...Probably a bit more, if she was willing to listen. He hadn't asked about her love life, but what little glimmers of her past he understood -- her departure, her isolation -- he had a feeling that this might have been a rarity for her, and it felt more important to do right by her because of it. "I'd like to hope she takes it without hating me too much. I think she won't. I think. She doesn't seem the type." He nodded, bringing a hand up to his puffy eyelids, where he was assured he was not still crying -- he would probably want to, but he needed not to.
August 23, 2018

Nerf:

"I hope so to," she nodded as her lips formed a reassuring smile. "I'm sure she'll understand it if you explain. She might even be expecting it, given how you didn't give her an immediate answer. In any case, I wish you luck," she encouraged him. "Now, if there's not anything else you want to discuss, I'll be returning belowdecks", Sally's gaze briefly turned towards the horizon, as she gave it one last glance before turning away. "Care to join me? Standing out here alone will only make you worry more, so you should try to get some distraction. And I'm sure the others will be wondering where you are by now," she gently prodded him.
August 24, 2018

LadyDeme:

"That sounds good, thank you. I doubt anyone's concerned, though -- unless they're under the impression I can get seasick." Which, he supposed, might be theoretically possible -- it would be tricky, though, and he didn't think he had eaten anything in a little while. It was fortunate they lived in such a small archipelago, he mused -- Florkana used a decent amount of water, and he'd had to bring some soil in his pot onboard. Still, he followed after her, feeling -- if on one level sore and weary -- light and relieved. He felt like had a little piece of light with him, now, digging out a bit of crud in his soul.

Nerf:

==END RP==

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